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August 27, 2007

Just SAY it!!!!!!!!!

Someone told me this week that they know they'll never have to wonder what's on my mind ... and that's a good thing. That person has never pissed me off, obviously, because knowing what I'm thinking can be a bad thing, a very bad thing.

But worse than having an irrational screeching banshee slapping you so hard with every fault you've ever had that you wish you were never born ... (ok, maybe a little over the top, not gonna find anything much worse than that (and I would never do that anyway))

But worse than having me rub your nose in the uncomfortable truth or my warped perception of the truth is having no freaking idea what someone you care about is thinking or feeling. Worse than that is finding out from someone else that they are thinking something important and relevant - and that they are telling others, but not you. The worst is discovering they feel so strongly about something that it is consciously affecting their behavior towards you, but they aren't talking to you about it.

I overthink things. And given the opportunity I will come to the saddest conclusion. If things weren't bad, you'd talk to me right? Or maybe you don't care enough about me to want to talk about things. It only goes downhill from there. I'm morbid. I ALWAYS think of the worst thing that can happen or has happened. I fear the worst and I watch it and study it, trying to avoid it, trying to keep it at bay. I am intimately familiar with the worst case scenerio.

I want to find a way to right things - but I cannot if I don't know what is going on. The control freak in me kicks in and starts to panic. I cannot make you talk. I cannot make you want to reach out. I can only stew, knowing there is something that needs to be said while we sit in silence. I can think and overthink, assume and jump to conclusions, and eventually, to put it all to rest, I can give up and move on.

I missed an option.

I can reach out and ask you what is wrong. But you'll tell me "nothing." And I cannot make you tell me the truth.

Nothing is so bad as not knowing. Just say it.

ShaeSin Ranted at August 27, 2007 7:48 PM