Ranting Virgo: A real update, sort of

August 12, 2007

A real update, sort of

I don't write on here much anymore - I post but it's not really meaningful stuff. Part of it is a lack of time, part of it is fear that someone is reading who will try to use it against me. Part of it is a fear I'll hurt people I care about with my thoughts and feelings that are not intended to hurt. If I can't post the truth, what's the point?

Going into this week, I've had a month (maybe months) of challenging days. The big wedding project just ended and we have been trying to get pregnant, have run into medical hurdles that made me have to stop trying to get pregnant. I hit a point where I felt like my meds were making me worse instead of better and when the doctor tried to add a med I pulled the plug on the whole operation. I went cold-turkey and stop taking 4 different meds at the same time. 2 were mood regulators, 1 was for irritable bowel and 1 was birth control to keep me from conceiving a flipper-baby while I was poisoning my system. Strangely, everything (except irritable bowel) went away. I fought for years to accept the fact that I was broken and crazy and was lucky to not be a drug addict and a felon (according to my doctor) only to have to find out that I wasn't crazy after all, which raised a whole other set of concerns. When you're crazy, you have an excuse for bad behavior. When you don't have that excuse, you are just an asshole and a bad person.

Simultaneously, I was dealing with a fairly new job topped with a new promotion. It's moderately high stress and I do my best to make it even more stressful. The hours can be long and the challenges many. And stupidity .... lots and lots of stupidity. Did I say stupidity? That must have been a typo ....

Then there is this past month which has upped the ante a bit. I've spent a lot of time with Dana, who just turned 16. She and her boyfriend are joined at the anus via their cell phones. I've already dealt with this when Christy lived with me and averaged (no exaggeration) 3 hours per day on the phone with her b/f (now husband). I couldn't stand it before so reliving it is infuriating. At least John and Christy were nice to each other. CJ and Dana fight CONSTANTLY. I hear threats being thrown around that are reminiscent of my abusive boyfriend (who killed my dog) and I want to step in and end it for good but I'm not the parent and Dana would just blame me for pushing CJ away. I know where this is going and it's a road to hell paved with pain. It makes me very angry at a lot of people. We love but we have boundaries. We want those we love to observe those boundaries so we don't have to walk away but we can't change people. WE CAN'T CHANGE THEM. So we suffer and we change our boundaries instead and we end up in terrible situations full of pain when we should have walked away. Love DOES NOT conquer all.

We are in the process of closing our fiscal year at work. Half this year is inherited work from an overthrown regime and a seamless close was not an option. We've got some systems issues on top of it and are still trying to get our ducks in a row before the auditors show up next. The ducks are hell-bent on misbehaving though and right now our "row" looks more like a circle.

(I apologize for the vagueness of this note but the details are not mine to share)
Another situation has emerged that I had feared would come. I feared it because I feared my own emotions. People are blessed in different ways and we often see the blessings of others and our own fade into the background. I have friends who are blessed in a way I envy. The blessing is one that is given and cannot be bought or built. I fear my envy. I fear my jealousy. I fear my resentment. I fear the effects those emotions will have on my ability to be a friend. I fear their fear of my emotions and the effect that will have on our friendship. My emotions are not as strong as I thought they'd be when I imagined this situation. I feel like the blessing of their friendship is helping to balance out the wacky emotions.

The crystal ball has predicted a move in our future. Sean and Kati have bought a new house and will be moving in about 2 weeks. RedJen has put her house on the market and should be moving in the next 2 months. We've been dragging our butts with everything else going on but really need to get moving on getting our house on the market. With Kati to carpool with, my gas costs will be skyrocketing here soon and I don't have the patience to make that drive alone every day so there is a sense of urgency now.

With the market the way it is, we really have to find a buyer for our house before we can even start looking for our next home. Selling is not the fun part, unfortunately. We have a few challenges to selling that we are trying to work out but really, it comes down to just doing it. We need a plan. We've started taking baby steps but we need to get on this. Our big items:

--Exterior--
Exterior Paint (done last week)
Replace 1 shutter
Replace/Repaint front door
Curb Appeal
Powerwash/stain deck
Stage deck

--Interior--
Repaint key areas of the house
Recarpet
Light/Electrical switches/toilet paper holders/etc
Stage/de-personalize (figure out how to get more light in the hiz)
Store what is not staged (not sure how to "store" 4 cats and a dog)

-We got a paint quote last week but I want to reselect areas to paint and get a requote for less $
-Dana and I packed the knicknacks from the entertainment center
-Dana and I selected 300 pieces of clothing from my closet to toss or give away. 300. And the closet is still full. I have a problem. In fact, my problem is big enough for 3 people.

ShaeSin Ranted at August 12, 2007 10:32 AM